The World I Know
Some time back, D. said to me, “you keep a quiet house.” It’s true. For example, when I’m on the computer, I don’t play music, or watch television, or talk on the phone. I just focus on what I’m doing on the computer. I am deliberately this way; because I always need to be aware of my surroundings. D.’s not the only person who has made this observation. A few cop friends, over the years, have told me that I act like a cop. They were referencing how I am when I’m in a public place. Because when I go to a bar or a restaurant, I need to be seated facing the door. My back must also be against the wall. This way, I know that no one can come up behind me; and I can see everyone coming into the joint. It’s the only way that I can relax and enjoy myself. I don’t mind my odd ways, for the alternative is fear and anxiety. Believe me! Before I made my home quiet, I used to always worry that something catastrophic would happen (like someone breaking into the basement), and that I’d miss it (because of background noises). Don’t get me wrong! I don’t sit around in anticipation of something violent coming into my world. However, I take comfort in knowing that if it’s gonna happen, I’ll know it (and will have time to prepare). It’s also why I don’t drink & drug. I mean, the thought of being vulnerable (due to substances) in a precarious situation? Not if I can help it! All of this might seem like irrational thinking to many who read this post. However, it makes total sense to most who’ve experienced a life-threatening event.
Tags: Collective Soul, The World I Know
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February 11, 2009 at 2:58 am
I always have music going when I’m on the computer, but I also need to face the door with my back against a wall to be fully comfortable in public.
Steve says, “I must clarify that when I have company, I don’t keep a quiet house. Only when I’m by myself. I figure if a serial killer’s coming into my home, while I’m socializing, they’ll have plenty of other victims before they get to me.”
February 11, 2009 at 6:12 am
hmmm…I always prefer my back against the wall, too, and to see everyone who’s coming and going…I’ve never thought about it much, but reading this makes me realize i, too, feel safe and more comfortable when I do it. I don’t like people behind me or exits and entrances I can’t see. And when I am home alone, I keep it quiet so i can here every sound in the house…I can’t claim to have anything like your experience, but I do know the fear of being a potential victim at any time and perhaps that has shaped my behavior without me even realizing it.
It’s your home, your space and your comfort and safety. Do what makes you happiest and gives you greatest peace. I’m sorry for the reasons that you’ve developed these behaviors, but happy to see you’ve adjusted n a way that allows you to experience life in a less fearul (albeit more cautious) way.
Hugs.
Steve says, “Yeah, when I’m out, I always say, “I gotta cruise the guys, so let me against the wall.” It tends to be a more effective way to maintain friendships than saying, “I must sit against the wall, facing the door, or I will have a panic attack..”
February 11, 2009 at 8:01 am
I have no idea if I can keep a quiet house. Most of the time, I read books aloud, turn the music on, etc. but for some reason, I hear every little sound and I stop. Then my imagination takes over, I see robbers or something of that sort breaking the house so I check out the noise immediately.
I think it’s not weird that you’re always cautious and alert. It’s actually all good when the need arises!
Much Love,
Steve says, “Thanks for your thoughts. Yeah, if I do hear a sound, I won’t be able to sleep until its’ source is determined.”
February 11, 2009 at 7:29 pm
I haven’t experienced a life threatening event (not that way), but I hate people walking behind me – even in corridors at work. HATE it.
Steve says, “Don’t know if ya realize it, but PTSD can happen with any kind of life-threatening event (terminal disease, rape, auto accident). But, I don’t know which ’situation’ more commonly leads to symptoms of PTSD. But, yeah….I especially can’t stand it when someone is in a rush, behind me. I feel like saying, “Will ya just fucking pass me, already!”
February 11, 2009 at 9:25 pm
I am much the same way as you, especially having to scope out every place I am in. It’s become second nature I guess.
Steve says, “I almost didn’t recognize who you were (with the new username). Hope you’re well.”
February 11, 2009 at 10:23 pm
I am most comfortable with my back against the wall. I don’t want to be surprised by anyone’s arrival. I get agitated in restaurants that have all the seats arranged so that you can’t see all the points of ingress. I also don’t like to be in an area, and won’t live in a neighborhood, where there is only one point of entry and exit. In case of emergency I want to be able to get the hell out of Dodge in any direction I can!
As for the noise, it depends. I’m not often home alone. When all the kids are here and I’m on the computer, I like to listen to my music with my headphones, or wear ear protection head phones so I can’t hear the little banshees. When I’m alone, it’s usually pretty quiet. If there is music playing, the volume is on low.
Steve says, “Thanks for all the examples. We’re so much alike in all of those scenarios.”